The author writes about how most people do not have the emotional language to name all the emotions experienced which can lead to mental, physical, and spiritual health problems. The fact that everyone faces stressors daily but feel it based on our thoughts not body reaction. Her research identifying emotions asked people to name the ones they experienced. The average number of answers was only three. That limited vocabulary, she says, can result in a crisis.
She delves into how envy and jealousy are different, and jealousy is more acceptable to say even though its envy being shown; but jealousy can have more dire consequences. Brown states that we can all use freudenfreude as a form of support for ourselves and others and how resentment is about ourselves not being able to have or do like others, not the other person’s fault. Freudenfreude is finding joy in other people’s success which is beneficial to our mental health, as opposed to schadenfreude which is finding joy in another’s misfortune and a cause of shame and guilt because of the insecurity and cruelty that was sparked.
I found it interesting how she shared her concept of resentment as partly cause of an unwanted identity which is one of the most powerful elicitors of shame and bitterness. She goes into comparison being a “pervasive social phenomenon” that we do that affects our well-being, self-concept and level of aspiration. It’s a creativity kill that tries to force us into conformity.
While delving into regret, expectations, disappointment, resignation, and boredom, she notes how it can leave us either wound up or lethargic based on our control of the situation then goes into the mild discomfort or deep pain that can lead to a disconnect followed by regret and feeling vulnerable. She says self-awareness is asking for and understanding why we need it.
With wonder, awe, curiosity, confusion, surprise and interest Brown notes that we can be overwhelmed by the expanse of something that is almost incomprehensible, how confusion can lead to motivation to trigger problem solving which is effortful and effective then a brief swoop into the shortest duration emotion which is surprise.
The often-conflicting emotions of amusement, nostalgia, cognitive dissonance, bittersweetness, irony, paradox, and sarcasm have an air of familiarity but what if two of them are contradictory and venture into complexity. Our willingness to stay in that confusing emotion can be a teaching moment while nostalgia isn’t always truthful, and we must recognize the inconsistencies so as not to be disconnected or fall into rumination. Cognitive dissonance is when one holds two inconsistent cognitions thereby creating tension and justification. The opposite is paradox because there the conflicting ideas inform the other.
Anguish, despair, grief, hopelessness, and sadness are discussed in comparisons with anguish never truly fading away. Hopelessness and despair are both emotions and experiences and can result in self-blame. When hopelessness and sadness flood our emotional landscape, despair is the result. Knowing sadness is life and it makes the connection to other people a collective “us.” Grief, being different has the elements of loss, longing, and feeling lost; and has to be shared to work through the process of grieving.
Compassion, empathy, comparative suffering, pity, sympathy, and boundaries lends into the debate about whether struggling souls deserve compassion or empathy which is a skill that connects us with humanity. Empathy is about connection while sympathy is a form of disconnection, a distant concern which the author takes one step further to discuss boundaries and the need for autonomy.
In the chapter on shame, perfectionism, self-compassion, humiliation, guilt, and embarrassment led into the author’s research on the connection between violence and humiliation. She says shame is based on the self, not a behavior. Guilt is a behavior. Humiliation occurs at our belittlement and feeling that we do not deserve the unworthiness making it different from shame which based on her research thrives on secrecy, judgment, and silence. On perfectionism the author notes that acceptance and approval are at its core. Guilt then happens when we fall short of expectations set for ourselves.
Belonging, connection, fitting in, insecurity, invisibility, disconnection, and loneliness are discussed with belonging (diversity, inclusion, and equity) being first and its essential nature for humans despite its vulnerability. Stronger connected individuals are said to be happier, healthier, and better able to handle stress. Loneliness she says is more dangerous to health that excessive drinking. Insecurity goes deeper than self-doubt and she notes that we can have insecurity despite having high self-esteem because of a self-critical nature. She ends that chapter with the dehumanization and disconnection that leads to the painful human experience of invisibility.
Love, heartbreak, lovelessness, self-trust, trust, defensiveness, betrayal, and hurt are brought up next. Love cannot be given or gained but instead is nurtured and grown. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves and is damaged by betrayal as well as, shame, blame, and disrespect. Brokenhearted are the bravest among us because of the trust they lent. Betrayal, the violation of trust, can be healed but it is rare the author says because it requires healing, strength and vulnerability.
Joy is a sudden, internal, short-lived, higher intensity, spiritual, less-effort version of happiness, which is self-focused, circumstantial, and external trait, not a state. Foreboding joy is about being afraid to partake in wonderful moments because you live in fear of the bad things that can happen. Relief the author says is tension leaving the body while calm is about managing emotional reactivity, is intentional, and contagious.
Pride (a feeling of pleasure), humility (openness and accurate assessments of personal contributions), and hubris (inflated sense of ones abilities along with a need for dominance) are differentiated by pride’s positive connotation with self-esteem, hubris negative correlation to narcissism and lack of care what others think, and humility meaning groundedness that’s genuine, quiet, and powerful and the key to confidence and healthy social interactions.
Anger (an action emotion healthy in the short term) exists on a continuum from mild to rage by activating the nervous system which affects our health over time. Fear, betrayal, injustice, shame, vulnerability were noted by the author’s research participants when asked about anger which thereby is seen as a secondary emotion. Contempt, criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness are damaging communication patters. Disgust comes about as an aversion toward something we find offensive whether identified through senses or ideas. Disgust towards people protects us from contamination of the soul as opposed to toxins that would hurt our body. Left unchecked, disgust leads to dehumanization which closes us off and removes empathy. Finally, hate is harder to do the closer you are to people and can only be minimized by seeing things from the other persons point of view.
This book on self-actualization is replete with studies, theories, and examples that must be read in its entirety to achieve the maximum benefit, particularly the notes on Martin Seligman on resilience and its personalization, permanence, and pervasiveness. I highly recommend this easy read that informs us on how we can be physically, mentally, and spiritually changed by understanding the information delivered in this book. Get it here.
Until my next post, why not check out my YA novels about mental illness, memoir writing, or even my Native American mystery series on Amazon, or follow me on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Goodreads, LinkedIn, Bookbub , BookSprout, or AllAuthor.
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YA Novelist, Memoirist & Mystery Writer Angela Grey 
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